Why did it take them so long...

...to come up with the George Foreman grill?

Come on, Sweet 'N Low

Just give up already.

Compass & Protractor

Should've switched names a long time ago.

Why the hell are they still selling flour in paper sacks?

Happy Thanksgiving.

Best Gay Cowboy Porn:

Brokeback Mounting Bareback Mountain

or..... Chokeback Fountain?

Way of the Master

How long has THIS been on TV without me noticing?



"Reach out to the lost, and don't be afraid to use words like 'sin' and 'judgment day.'" - Kirk Cameron

Woman of the Year & Superwoman?!

In lieu of a gift this Christmas, Conde Nast Magazines has decided to clean up Brad Pitt's messes for him.

Overheard in Hollywood

(at fabulous Bel Air mansion of fabulous entertainment someone)

"God, Herzog just loves fart jokes."




"Yeah, I love Werner Herzog."







"Um...Doug Herzog."




"Oh."

EMF Finally Out of Money

Introducing KRAFT Natural Cheese Crumbles:







(Let's get ready to crumble!!!)

You burden me with your groceries, you'd have me buy no eggs
You're always asking what it's all about, now listen at the dinner table
You say to me I don't eat enough, but when I do, I'm a fool
These times I've spent with the crumblings, I'm going to crumble through and eat the cheese

(New KRAFT Crumbles.)
(Intense nuggets of Real KRAFT cheese crumbled right off the box)
(To give your favorite foods the big cheese taste you'll love)

You're feeding me with our dinner by telling me more that's mine
I'm always so impressed with the cheese you crave you always have to eat
To think of us being one is more than I'll ever know
But this time, I realize I crumble the sharp cheddar

The things you crave, that big cheese taste that blows you away
The things you crave, that's what I eat them more
The things you crave, that big cheese taste that blows you away
The things you crave, they're crumbelievable (oh)
They're so crumbelievable...They're crumbelievable...

[From the actual commercial, currently airing on national television.]

"The Bad Boys of Magic Go Under the Sea!"

NBC's "Penn & Teller: Off the Deep End" -

The gayest thing underwater since Junior Snork.

The More You Know...

Robert Guillaume's 1999 stroke turned him into Bill Cosby.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang

Anyone who sees this movie and can guess my favorite line will officially receive a personal check for ten US dollars...


Good luck, fellow Robert Downey Jr. fans.

Hibernation Complete

It took a while, but I've finally returned to Los Angeles...where even the local news has been turned into a reality show.


It's good to be back.