Sunday, March 30, 2008

If people weren't so afraid of being called racist....

They'd admit how disconcerting Obama's purple lips are.

Friday, March 28, 2008

Future Fat: A Prognosis

Symptoms of this slow-moving disease (also known as GingerRogersitis) are first detectable in the faces of many young starlets.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Hey Beastie Boys, Radiohead and MTV:

It's time to get all that "Free Tibet" bullshit you forgot about going again.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Ed Hardy: When Celebrities Punk Themselves

One day, a dude from Von Dutch walks up to some old-ass man and says, "Hey Grandpa, I bet I can get everyone and their mother's personal assistant to wear your name with these hideous graphics, head-to-toe, for like 5 years....." The old man says, "Whaaaaaa?" A fashion giant is born.

The con man was Christian Audigier. The fossil was Ron "Ed" Hardy. The dumbass was anyone who ever paid to be a walking billboard for this ridiculous scam.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Fun facts from an Irish Catholic on St. Patrick's Day:

The shamrock is a symbol of the Holy Trinity.
The four-leaf clover is a shamrock with a birth defect.

St. Patrick supposedly drove the snakes out of Ireland.
But there never were snakes in Ireland.

An Irish carbomb is a drink of Jameson, Bailey's & Guinness.
A beer bottle is what will hit you in the face if you ask for this drink while in Ireland.

Friday, March 14, 2008

Apparently, this year voters like their American Idols....

Scary: Crazy: Irish: Fat:

Screamy: Semi-Retarded: Ugly:

Dirty: Stupid: Australian:

and Freakishly Small: .

You know, anything but gay.

Thursday, March 13, 2008

War's "Why Can't We Be Friends" - The Translated Lyrics

I seen you 'round for a long long time
Hi, I'm your stalker.
I really 'membered you when you drink my wine
I'm a selfish drunk who holds grudges forever.
I seen you walkin' down in Chinatown
When I was stalking you.
I called you but you could not look around
Why won't you look at me? I'm not crazy or anything.
I bring my money to the welfare line
I like to show off to poor people; I'm kind of a dick like that.
I see you standing in it every time
But I see a lot of weird shit, so who knows if you're really there.
The color of your skin don't matter to me
It's the color of your nipples that really bothers me.
As long as we can live in harmony
"Harmony" is what I call the 10'x10' dungeon in my basement.
I'd kinda like to be the President
Did I mention I'm also a bit of a sociopath?
So I can show you how your money's spent
It's spent on war. (No, not the band playing this song. The thing with guns and bombs.)
Sometimes I don't speak too bright
Which is why I thought I'd make a good President.
but yet I know what I'm talking about
You're not the boss of me. I'm the f**king President!
I know you're working for the CIA
It is not a conspiracy theory. Please stop saying that.
They wouldn't have you in the Mafia
Did I say you? I meant me. That goddamn elitist Mafia.
Why can't we be friends?
I just get so lonely sometimes.
Why can't we be friends?
Seriously, I won't call after 10 or act weird around your other friends or anything.
Why can't we be friends?
Don't be such an asshole.... Wait, I didn't mean to say that. Where are you going? I love you.
Why can't we be friends?
OK, fine. How about close acquaintances?

Monday, March 10, 2008

I wonder if Khloe Kardashian is mad....

That she didn't get a part in 10,000 BC.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Dear Vampire Weekend: You are a ska band.

Saying you invented a genre called "Upper West Side Soweto" makes you seem delusional, pretentious and racist.

Saturday, March 08, 2008

Best Week Ever's Jessica St. Clair:

Like Chelsea Handler, only funny.