Matty from Fear Factor, Weakest Link & Big Brother 9:

It's as if someone asked God what the word 'DUH' meant & he said, "Here, let me just show you...."

Sure, Dina Lohan & Lynne Spears are terrible mothers, but what about THESE assholes....

Terri Irwin, mother of BindiBot:

She says her 3-yr-old son Bob "was so proud to have copped his first hit" when bitten recently by a boa constrictor. I don't want to cross a line here, but does this woman plan to feed her entire family to wildlife?

Johanna Visschedyk, mother of 'pint-size paparazzo' Austin:

It's 4 am on a school night.... do you know where your 14-year-old child is?
"Yeah, he's standing outside Hyde with a bunch of coke dealers trying to get an upskirt of Kate Bosworth. What's it to you?"


Jarnette Fuller, "mother" of Mary-Kate & Ashley Olsen:



I would say this woman - whose daughters of barely 21 have already run through every vice in Hollywood - is the worst mother in showbiz. But I think we're all in agreement that the Olsen twins were actually raised as a part of some secret government program and they, in fact, never had parents to begin with. So this one's a draw.

A natural disaster few in Astoria could survive:

The nuclear reaction of uber-hipness that would occur if alternative comedian Rebecca Drysdale & club DJ Samantha Ronson ever started dating.

Hey Republicans,

I'm glad you realize who you should've voted for 8 years ago...

Now don't make us live with another one of your mistakes.

Cancellation Countdown 2008:

2 weeks - The CW's Pussycat Dolls Present: UNWATCHABLICIOUS

Dear Brad Renfro,

We regret to inform you that you have not been selected to be a participant in this year's death montage. While there were many deserving candidates, we simply have neither the time nor the resources to feature every single person in the film industry who died this year.

Perhaps next time, you should try accidentally killing yourself with Oxycodone, Hydrocodone, Diazepam, Temazepam, Alprazolam & Doxylamine instead of heroin. We wish you the best of luck in all your posthumous endeavors, and thank you for your interest in our montage.

Sincerely,
The Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences

Hollywood Trendwatch: Barack Obama!

He's totally the new.... black.

Just be honest with us, "Ebert & Roeper"....

He's never coming back, is he?

New Juicy Juice Harvest Surprise*

* The surprise is it tastes like fucking vegetables.

Happy Valentine's Day:

At this rate, I'll be forced to marry some loser when I'm 39,
just to have a baby....



Then I'll hate that baby because it's HALF LOSER.

So I HAVE to answer the door, just because I'm home when someone knocks....

How did that become a thing?

The real moral of the Joran van der Sloot confession:

Never trust someone with a scar who you met playing poker.

Best headline of 2008:

I bet the Oscar people are really kicking themselves....

For not nominating Heath Ledger this year.

True identities of the American Gladiators:

"WOLF" --- Industrial video actor Hollywood Yates



"HELLGA" --- Former model Robin Coleman from Texas



"MILITIA" --- Gay porn star Alex Castro

Characters played by NBC late night hosts, if the writers' guild strike was made into a Hollywood blockbuster:

VILLAIN . . . . . . . . . . . . HERO . . . . . . . Guy who dies first.