Why do people still name their daughters Chastity?

How is that any better than calling your kid Virgin?

Shrimp:

The only food you eat more of at weddings than in real life.

TV commercials are starting to make me think that....

Our snacks are being laced with hallucinogens.

George W. Bush has done more than any other president to keep illegal immigrants out of the country....

Not by building a wall, but by making our economy just as shitty as theirs.

'So You Think You Can Dance' host Cat Deeley is great....

At hiding how crazy crooked her nose is.

Dear Reality Show Producers,

The word "ultimate" means the last of something. So stop telling us we're about to see the "ultimate" haircutting, dog grooming, or celebrity circus competition. (Unless, of course, you plan to follow through on your promise.)

Prince Akeem has come back to America in disguise:

You can tell by his voice.

The Price Is Right Million Dollar Spectacular gives you the chance to win a million dollars!

There's a chance you could find a $1,000,000 in the street, but that doesn't mean CBS is going to leave it there for you.

Ralph Nader:

Closet Republican (2000 - Present)

I really can't wait to check out:

"Definitely May-bay" on DVD.

Huggies clearly doesn't know what 'little swimmers' are....

But they're in the right area.

Kate Bosworth has had an amazing film career....

For someone with a physical handicap that renders her incapable of making facial expressions.

Comedy legend George Carlin passes away at 71....

Which is weird, because I thought he'd been 55 since 1972.

'Samantha Who' still has the best cast on TV....

....and Barry Watson's OK too.

So when is the Free Credit Report.com guy....

Going to get a recording contract?

Airports Are Now Installing Full-Body X-Ray Machines:

I don't mind the cancer or the nakedness, but if I see a fat lady with a can protruding from her neck, I'm taking the train.

People Paula's Hidden Talent:

If all those high school girls in Gloucester got pregnant because they thought it would be fun....

I'd say birth control is a few generations too late.

When are famous people going to figure out....

That shoe companies are just making fun of them.

The Toyota Prius is great for the environment....

But they better add a noise during coasting before little kids start ending up on the hoods of these silent bastards.

Dear Reality Show Contestants,

The most you can give, try, or want something is 100%.
Figure it out.

Hey Moment of Truth, I want my 37 minutes back....

Because when you take out the commercials & all the repeated footage, this "hour long" show is a whopping 23 minutes. It's like Fox is daring us to get Tivo.

Michael Phillips has quietly replaced Roger Ebert:

My review of his See It / Rent It / Skip It ticket gimmick?
THUMBS DOWN.